Late night ramblings

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel tired,  I want to sleep,  but after a hour of my racing mind, I decide sleep is not happening  right now.  I just keep debating on if I should reach out to friends about my struggling or just keep going mostly alone, the struggle I have is in my head anyway so it all on me in the long run.  The past few years have been rough emotionally for me.  Reaching a point where both my kids are so independent and gone at school most of the day most of the year, Not working at all at a job away from home for the first time sense high school, and because all our kids getting older and involved in  different things; makes my social life difficult.  All these things put together  have left me with the dilemma of figuring out who I want to be.
  It's been challenging for me to adjust to my kids way of needing me involved in their life changing so drastically. (even if it wasn't over night or anything). It still went from me being in charge and needing to do or at least over see everything in every aspect of the kids lives.  I have helped them learn new skills and as they have learned so much, I now have 2 very independent kids. They no longer need or want me to make them breakfast and lunch everyday.  I don't have to be able to see what they are doing every second.  They are so helpful (when they decide to be) I just have to check on them and encourage things.  My involvement, though it is still needed and should not be devalued,  has definitely changed and left me trying to figure out what to do.  I never imagined how big of a change this would feel,  and that it would be this hard of a tradition for me.
It's now been almost exactly  a year since I opted from taking a full time position at my old job where I had been  being a relief tech for years,  and working full  time on and off here and there. They got it approved to hire another full time person which made it much easier to use their regular employees to cover when they are short a person, and have it not mess up the day,  so they got rid of my position.  I agree with their decision and don't regret mine either.  However I do miss it,  I miss my coworkers. I miss going to work feeling productive, and needed doing something 'adult' and different than my normal day to day stuff.  I also really miss earning play money,  so we could do more fun things and I didn't feel like I was  pulling from something else.
Seems my social  life has been struggling too,  it's partly kids getting older, more involved in diff things and a lot of the year in school, making play dates hard.  It makes me sad that friends I felt close to and saw all the time, I almost never see anymore.  I know I'm a big part of it.  I'm not so good at scheduling things,  or deciding what to do in the first place.  Also due to struggling with my depression a lot more, it makes it hard to actually click and fully relate and be someone they want to be around.
I really  need to figure  out  who I want to be,  is it going to be best for my family, and I for me to work outside of the home,  or continue  to have to flexibility of staying at home, not having to use a daycare,  and having more time to make sure I'm very involved in my kids lives.  It's hard because  I  don't think there is one right answer,  and there are both pros and cons to both decisions. I've been tossing with this for a year now and I'm being the usual me; I just can't seem to make decisions.  Why are all decisions so hard!  Okay ,  now I have a lot of typed rambling that I don't know how to close,  and it's all over the place.  I'm definitely  not a writer.  Guess if my crazy makes you crazy you can decide of you will embrace it with me or be scared away.  :) 

too much me time

Lately, now that the kids are in school full time I have been having a lot of "me time". Honestly, I don't like it!! I have been trying to figure out how to enjoy time with myself. I read a lot of books, crochet, cross stich plastic canvas (or whatever the plastic canvas technique is called is) and I am failing on figuring out how to enjoy my own company! I don't know how to change this. theoretically you can just decide to change how you feel right? well, that has never been my experience. I can change how I respond to things which over time sometimes helps change how I feel but the fact that my mind is sometimes just messed up and feels things that completely don't make sense (and I know it) makes it hard to just flat change the feelings. I keep thinking about finding a job, but then on days I work and I am stressing about one of the kids potentially being sick and what am I going to do cuz its hard on everyone if I call in. How will the kids get here or there if I am at work, and many other things that work out so much better if someone is home. I also have a really hard time enjoying motherhood after a day at work, seems I go to work and I enjoy it, then I come home and I am tired and ready to relax. Coming home and doing homework with the kids is not what I had in mind as relaxing but it is a very necessary thing to do.  I know so many parents who manage to be amazing parents while being a working parent but I am scared to death to make that change. :/ How do I decide which is better, continuing to attempt to figure out how to stay busy and enjoy my own company at home alone while the kids are at school, or figure out how to juggle being the best parent I can be and work. :/ I am so grateful for my amazing husband who supports me in so many ways and allows this to be a decision that I can debate and decide what will be best for our family. I really believe there are so many benefits to having a stay at home parent involved in the children's lives even as they get older and need less and less immediate help with things, and its much easier to continue to be involved in their lives and be there for them if I am here. sometimes I just wish things were more black and white so that decisions like this would be easier because there was one right decision instead of two decisions which both have pros and cons to them! I love being home with the kids when the kids are home, they are amazing little people who make life so much more fun! I on the other hand, am not so much fun to be around maybe one day I will be as cool as my kiddos.

Plastic canvas Minecraft chicken.

I decided to add a chicken  to the minecraft  plastic canvas toys for my boys.  This is how it turned out.  I had to put a double  layer on the feet so it angled the chicken up to help it balance.  For the legs I stitched all three layers then stitched them together making the legs more firm.  The chicken is still not perfectly  balanced  or anything  but she stands up on her own so I'm  calling  it a win. 

Plastic canvas minecraft creeper.

I decided mushroom  needed a friend so I went ahead and  drew out plans for a creeper!  :)  Here is how it went... 

The design  I made.  The top of legs section  is done in one section and legs are attached to the bottom and body to the top.  

When attaching the legs I found it easiest  to attach one side however you prefer,  but for the second side I sewed sides or legs together in a row,  then after they were attached to each other, I attached  them to the body. I opted to not sew the inside side of the second leg section leaving only 3 sides attached to base,  and it seems fine. 

Attach the base of the head onto the body prior to sewing entire head together.  I do wish I had only attached it on the front and back.  I think it would have been easier sewing the head together without the additional layer of yarn already attached when assembling the head. 

Here he is! 

Finished product.  :)  still not perfect,   but I like it.  

Plastic canvas minecraft cow experiment

My 8 year old is obsessed with minecraft!!!  We were at a store and he saw minecraft  plush toys,  they were not high quality  or anything  I was dieing to buy,  yet still cost quite a bit. The crazy person I am natrually came home and looked to see if I could find Crochet  pattern  for them.  I came across  a picture  of a plastic canvas mushroom,   the cow.  (which is the one he really  wanted at the store)  It didn't have a pattern or anything so I got brainstorming how I could make this happen.  Looking at pictures (Yay for them being pixilated)  Using graph paper I started drawing my pattern to use.  Hopping I could actually do it, I jumped in.   My grandma  made some pretty  elaborate  things from plastic canvas so I knew it could be done,  but this is only my second  attempt  at doing plastic canvas,  so wish me luck.  So far it's going fairly well,  I just wish I didn't start on the face before I figured out what I was doing.  Of course I messed up slightly figuring out what I was doing.  I didn't mess up bad enough to redo it just enough to wish I worked out some kinks before doing a crutial part of him.  I think  I'm going to make another smaller one cuz I made this guy 4 squares to every one graph paper square and I think  it would work out just fine smaller and make a few other characters  too.  Then I can make him some friends and foes. (creeper) :)  I'll have to update after I fully finish.

My not so pretty  plans.  :) 

Mushroom's  progress so far,  just one more piece to make,  until it's time for assembly.  :)  im excited  to see how it comes out and make more guys.  Fingers crossed that this will actually  be  a good Christmas  present  for the kiddo! 

When assembling,  don't sew entirely  shut before attaching the mushrooms and legs.  

I decided  to lightly stuff the body with some  wadded up news paper.  I did not feel like anywhere else other than the body needed it and even there I probably didn't need it.  

Mushroom  is done!  Other than he is bigger than I wanted (approximately 9 1/2 inches tall to the top of the  mushrooms)  I think he turned out great!  He isn't excessively  tall by any means,  I just prefer cute little  ones. 

Crochet baby shower gift

A friend of mine is having a baby shower  and I decided I was going  to crochet something  to go with my gift.  Originally  I was planning  on  doing the motorcycle diaper cake thing and Crochet  the stuffed animal  for it.  After asking what her favorite  animal was I began searching to see if there was a good option for an owl that could sit on the motorcycle.  While searching  I decided to change my plan and just Crochet a gift all together and bag the motorcycle all together.  This is what I have so far and am trying  to decide of I should add more to the gift or just  do these. I hope they work out and are adorable  on the tiny day girl soon to come :)  I'm  not entirely  happy with how the green sandles turned out but hopefully  they will work out. I am not goona lie, I'm not one of those people who find crocheting  therapeutic  or just wants to sit down and Crochet  to crochet,  but I do like finishing cute,  unique things! Maybe one day I'll love crocheting in  itself,  but for now I just look forward to finishing cute things like this! 

The owl hat pattern  is found here. 

http://www.repeatcrafterme.com/2012/09/crochet-owl-hat-pattern-in-newborn.html?m=1

Sandles were found here. http://www.jennyandteddy.com/2013/08/25free-crochet-baby-sandals-and-barefoot-patterns/

Baby shower motorcycle

About 2 years ago I was trying to figure out what gift to get for my nephew's  baby shower.  My aunt called me up telling me that she heard I needed a gift for a baby shower and that she had the perfect idea for me.  The people  at the daycare she had been working at had been using this idea for a few and it was a big hit.  She sent me to check out http://www.sweetaprils.com/2011/08/diaper-motorcycle-tutorial-diy-how-to.html?m=1
I loved it!  The motorcycle  could be done fairly cheap  if you didn't care at all about brands and such,  however  I decided I wanted to use products that they actually wanted so that it would be more appreciated.  I convinced  my sister in law  to go in on it with me. After my first  one and the mom to be saying she wanted to use it for decoration in baby's room for a while,  I decided to  use size 2 diapers next time so that there was no rush in taking it apart and all supplies would still be used.  I think this is a brilliant idea and had a lot of fun creating this fun gift.  :)