Late night ramblings

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel tired,  I want to sleep,  but after a hour of my racing mind, I decide sleep is not happening  right now.  I just keep debating on if I should reach out to friends about my struggling or just keep going mostly alone, the struggle I have is in my head anyway so it all on me in the long run.  The past few years have been rough emotionally for me.  Reaching a point where both my kids are so independent and gone at school most of the day most of the year, Not working at all at a job away from home for the first time sense high school, and because all our kids getting older and involved in  different things; makes my social life difficult.  All these things put together  have left me with the dilemma of figuring out who I want to be.
  It's been challenging for me to adjust to my kids way of needing me involved in their life changing so drastically. (even if it wasn't over night or anything). It still went from me being in charge and needing to do or at least over see everything in every aspect of the kids lives.  I have helped them learn new skills and as they have learned so much, I now have 2 very independent kids. They no longer need or want me to make them breakfast and lunch everyday.  I don't have to be able to see what they are doing every second.  They are so helpful (when they decide to be) I just have to check on them and encourage things.  My involvement, though it is still needed and should not be devalued,  has definitely changed and left me trying to figure out what to do.  I never imagined how big of a change this would feel,  and that it would be this hard of a tradition for me.
It's now been almost exactly  a year since I opted from taking a full time position at my old job where I had been  being a relief tech for years,  and working full  time on and off here and there. They got it approved to hire another full time person which made it much easier to use their regular employees to cover when they are short a person, and have it not mess up the day,  so they got rid of my position.  I agree with their decision and don't regret mine either.  However I do miss it,  I miss my coworkers. I miss going to work feeling productive, and needed doing something 'adult' and different than my normal day to day stuff.  I also really miss earning play money,  so we could do more fun things and I didn't feel like I was  pulling from something else.
Seems my social  life has been struggling too,  it's partly kids getting older, more involved in diff things and a lot of the year in school, making play dates hard.  It makes me sad that friends I felt close to and saw all the time, I almost never see anymore.  I know I'm a big part of it.  I'm not so good at scheduling things,  or deciding what to do in the first place.  Also due to struggling with my depression a lot more, it makes it hard to actually click and fully relate and be someone they want to be around.
I really  need to figure  out  who I want to be,  is it going to be best for my family, and I for me to work outside of the home,  or continue  to have to flexibility of staying at home, not having to use a daycare,  and having more time to make sure I'm very involved in my kids lives.  It's hard because  I  don't think there is one right answer,  and there are both pros and cons to both decisions. I've been tossing with this for a year now and I'm being the usual me; I just can't seem to make decisions.  Why are all decisions so hard!  Okay ,  now I have a lot of typed rambling that I don't know how to close,  and it's all over the place.  I'm definitely  not a writer.  Guess if my crazy makes you crazy you can decide of you will embrace it with me or be scared away.  :)